Time to Leave

You have made the decision to leave your abusive partner. Now what do you do? The following checklist is a guideline for leaving your partner. It is a list of options that have helped victims in the past, but it may or may not be applicable to your situation. You are the expert on your present living conditions. Do only what is right for you.

DEVELOPING A PLAN TO LEAVE

It is important to have a plan before you leave. Chances are your partner has a plan to keep you from leaving. It may consist of:

Controlling the money
Not putting your name on joint assets
Not "allowing" you to work
Isolating you from family and friends
Threatening to harm/kill you or your children
Physically or emotionally hurting you

Any of these items and more are part of their plan to keep you and continue to control your life.

____ Start Saving Money

An emergency fund, no matter how small, is a good start to changing your life.

Write checks for a few dollars over the amount
Recycle pop cans
Baby-sit and don't report the full amount received
Ask your family for financial support
Empty the abuser's pockets before laundering and keep the change
Hide your money
Start your own savings account, preferably at another bank

____ Gathering Paperwork

It is necessary to have copies of important documents and information put in a safe hiding place that you can retrieve quickly. You may want to include:

Social Security card
Tax returns from the last three years
Birth certificates
Marriage license
Titles of properties
Car titles
List of debts and bills - include the amount you owe and monthly due dates
Have an extra key to your house, car, and a list of telephone numbers in your purse/wallet

____ Suitcase Packed

When it is time to leave you probably won't have time to pack your necessities. This is why it is important to have a suitcase with a change of clothes, toiletries, your children's items, food that will not spoil, and anything you feel you would need to get by temporarily until it is safe for you to retrieve the rest of your belongings.

It is also important to have this hidden from your partner but accessible to you. This may mean keeping it at a friend's, hiding it in house, garage, barn, woods, etc. If you are worried your partner will notice a suitcase missing, try borrowing a friends or picking one up at Goodwill for a couple of dollars. Emergency items are provided by shelters if there is no time to plan.

____ Making Transportation and Living Arrangements

If you don't have a car:

Have a friend or neighbor pick you up
Contact family members
Ask members of a church - often church members will help people in crisis even if they don't attend their congregation
Call a taxi or take a bus
Contact Domestic Violence Seaxual Assault Task Force

If you don't know where you can go, consider these options:

Family Members
Friend's House
Churches
Women's shelter/safe homes

Deciding the Right Time to Leave

For some victims there is not time to plan. Their partner is abusing them at that instant and they know if they don't leave now, they may be killed. For other victims, they can see the warning signs that they will soon be battered again.

The best way to decide when to leave is to look at your abuser's lifestyle. Try to pick a time when they will be away for the longest duration.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help decide:

Does your partner put long hours in at work?
Could you leave right after they do so you won't be missed until they come home?
How much time will that give you? Does your partner sometimes stop home unannounced or call?
If you choose to leave during this time, you may want to take the phone off the hook, so if they call, they will get a busy signal.
Does your partner have weekly activities such as bowling, basketball, or poker night?
Would leaving at night be an advantage to your situation.
Do they consume alcoholic beverages?
Do you know where their favorite drinking establishment is?
Do they open and close down the bar?
How much time will that give you?
Does your partner usually come home and pass out to the point that nothing can disturb them?
Would this be the only time you have access to a vehicle?

It is also important to know what to do if things don't go according to the plan.

Have a signal system with a neighbor in case you need help.
Remove any weapons from the home. Learn to unload guns and hide the ammunition in a separate place. Place knives, scissors, letter openers and other sharp objects in a hard to reach place.
Make a plan of what you can do if the phone wires were cut or if you find yourself without electricity.
Know where the closest pay phone is located and how to get there - walking or driving. Where is the closest all-night store. Go where there are people.
Develop a habit of backing your car in the driveway. Leave the driver's door unlocked (lock the other doors) so you can quickly jump in and go. Make sure your abuser doesn't block you in - try parking in the street if the need arises.
Keep enough money on you to pay for a cab to a safe place, and if in a strange community, enough to pay for one or more nights rent in a motel. Keep small change on you for pay phones.

Reasons to Take the Children

It is more complicated than making it alone, but you can prepare for taking your children with you when you leave your partner. Remember, your children are probably going to be terrified by the current or upcoming violence. They may be less frightened at getting up and being rushed away from a threatening parent than finding out in the morning that you have disappeared without saying good-bye. Even if your partner has never battered the children, you can't be sure they won't start now, especially when they discover you have left the house.

Talk with your children periodically about the importance of safety.
Teach older children to call a relative, friend, or police when they hear or see violence.
If you have a baby, tell your partner you hear him/her crying. Take the baby out of the crib and go out a back door.
If the events happen so fast and you have to leave without the children, arrange to go back for them as soon as possible. Either pick them up at school or return to the house with a police officer.

If the children are with you, there will be a better chance for custody than if you leave them with their abusive parent, regardless of reasons for leaving.

I Have Left My Partner, Now What?

For many victims at this point, it is still an uphill battle. They fear they have angered their partner too much by leaving and he/she may retaliate. It may be through stalking, threats, using the children, destroying personal possessions, or physical harm. However he tries to manipulate you to regain the control he has lost, it is important for you to remain strong and gain back control of your life. You are in charge.

The following is a checklist of options to consider after you have left your partner:

___ Call the Domestic Violence Task Force and get an advocate. Their job is to support you and make sure you're informed on the decisions you make for yourself.

___ File for a PRO-SE (No contact order) at the Clerk of Court's office. You do not need a lawyer.

___ File for public assistance at the Department of Human Services. This can include health care, WIC, food stamps, and resources for other helping agencies and services.

___ Attend support groups for victims of domestic violence.

___ Get counseling for you and your children.

___ Get a post office box and change your mailing address.

___ Call the school and notify them of you and your partner's separation.

___ Alert your neighbors to watch out for your safety.

___ Change your locks if you have returned to the house.

___ Ask the police to make it a routine of driving by your home.

___ Keep a log of when he contacts you: date, time, his dialogue and your response.

___ If you have an answering machine, record his telephone conversations with you.

___ Do your banking someplace different than your partner.